Dear Dog,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note -- placing a pawprint in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and trying to grab the ball through the glass is not helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time ... there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years -- canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butts. I can not stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make.

If the bedroom window is closed, and your mom is still sleeping soundly in bed, there is no need to bark at a squirrel that is running along the electrical wires between two poles. Not only does the squirrel not hear you, but you are at least 30 feet from the squirrel, and it is straight up in the air. Standing on your mom's stomach (even though it is under the covers) with all your weight is not very comfortable, so if mom says "oomph!" please reposition yourself elsewhere on the bed instead of leaning forward to check what's wrong with mom.

Also, the neighbor's newspaper delivery at 5 am is no time to warn me about intruders. And just because some neighborhood cats are busy producing more kittens doesn't mean they want you to interrupt their intimite encounter, no matter how much noise they're making!

When I get up in the middle of the night, in the dark, please choose one: a) lie still and trust I can both see and avoid you; b) panic and get up, but do it *before* I try to step over you; c) Consistency counts.

And that thing I'm doing on Sunday mornings, while sitting on the sofa and sipping my coffee, is called "reading the newspaper". It is not my way of initiating a game of hide and seek. I know you don't know how to read (or simply don't like to, I'm not sure), but it is very relaxing for me. I will be happy to get kisses or play with you just as soon as I've had the chance to relax for a few moments. Punching the newspaper with your paw and knocking it into my face does not speed along the process. And nudging my arm while I'm trying to drink my coffee only causes hot liquid to spill on my shirt and pants. Again ... this is not helpful. (Okay, okay, I'll get you a cookie. Jeez!)

We prefer our shoes in pairs, and dry. Picking them up and randomly distributing them around the house does not provide us additional mental stimulation by trying to match pairs. Barking at us when you want to go out, but our shoes aren't where we left them, does NOT speed up this process.

That little tab on the back of the boots? It was supposed to be there.

You consistently fail this test though you've had plenty of time to study -- If there is a dog toy and a shoe on the floor side-by-side which one should you choose to run around the house with?

If we roll over in bed at 5:00 a.m. on a weekend it DOES NOT mean it is time to get up, go outside, eat, or play. The preferred reaction is that you also roll over, and go back to sleep.

The cat is not a chase toy and, in fact, doesn't enjoy the chase as much as you. Perhaps that is the reason he smacks you? You don't seem to be able to understand the connection.

I truly appreciate you efforts to "fluff up" the bed by scratching but it is easier on all of us if we don't have to make the bed each night.

Does it occur to you that the reason the door is closed is to keep YOU out?

We're fully aware that empty stainless steel food bowls make a loud clanging noise when they are dropped on the floor. Are you trying to tell us something?

I'm not even going to ask you why you thought the brand new fence was simply a small added obstacle to your escape efforts.

One final note -- deer droppings are not doggie breath mints.

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Humour pages last updated February 16th, 2010