Good Evening. My name is ______ and I AM a dogaholic.

I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous". Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic, and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DA meeting for help. DA is here to assist you.

I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.

  1. Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?

  2. Do you drive a station wagon, van, or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?

  3. Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?

  4. Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties, and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?

  5. If you do go overseas, is it to London, in March, to attend Crufts?

  6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?

  7. Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?

  8. Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?

  9. Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?

  10. Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?

  11. Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH, CH, and OTCH?

  12. Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines, and premium lists?

  13. Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars?

  14. If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?

  15. Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover, or squeaky toys?

  16. When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?

  17. Do you remember the name of a person's dog sooner than you remember their name?

  18. Do you find non-dog people boring?

If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.

If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble. If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.

My advice to all of you with three or more YESes is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring.

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Humour pages last updated February 16th, 2010

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