Neuticles, a dog's perspective

Last summer, we began agonizing over the decision to neuter our prized Doberman Pinscher. My wife and I first discussed the issue at the kitchen table--which was a BIG mistake.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" howled the Doberman. "You're talking about my PRIDE(S) here."

"I TOLD you we should've gone somewhere else to talk about this," I glared at my wife.

"Oh, you men are just over sensitive about these things," my wife retorted. "What's the big deal? Snip, snip, ka-plunk in the stainless steel pan, and that's it."

I heard a "thud" and looked down to see that our Doberman had passed slap out. ("Slap" is Southern for "completely.")

After he recovered, he began stating his argument.

"I LIKE my pride(s) exactly where they are," he said. "And I like hearing people whistle and point and saying, 'Now THERE'S a pair'. I LIKE hearing them clang like fire-engine bells when I walk down the street."

"But what about your prostrate?" my wife argued. "Just ask your dad how much HE likes hearing the sound of the doctor's rubber glove being slapped on right before the doctor tells him to bend over."

At that point, I passed slap out and hit the floor with a thud.

After I recovered, I told my wife that we would never raise this issue again in the house.

But, lo and behold, we ended up having the Doberman neutered, and after moving back here to Texas, we made the same decision for our German Shepherd due to his having less than perfect hips.

The German Shepherd's response was slightly different. He grabbed a gun and barricaded himself in his dog house.

After the police hostage negotiators talked him into coming out peacefully, he finally acquiesced and (reluctantly) agreed to give up his pride(s).

Now, a month later, both of our dogs were invited to a focus group just for dogs to be interviewed in regards to their views on neutering and Neuticles--the fake testicles.

At the focus group, the dogs present were given Milk Bones and other assorted treats. The Moderator began going around the room and having the dogs all introduce themselves and talk about how life is different now that they have no pride(s).

"It's not so bad," said my Doberman. "Especially on hot summer days."

"What would hot summer days have to do with your being neutered?" asked the Moderator.

"Obviously," replied our Doberman, "You've never had to squat down on a long'stay' command on hot asphalt and have your pride(s) fry like an egg! Do THAT a couple of times, Bub, and I guarantee that you'll be ready to cut them off yourself!"

"Hear Hear!" the other dogs applauded.

"I know that I sure run faster, " piped up a 195 pound St. Bernard. "Try running through the park with a pair the size WE come with sometime. Shoot, they'll leave bruises on the inside of your thighs the size of goose eggs!"

"Right ON, bro!" the big dogs howled.

"But don't you miss the 'romantic' aspect of being intact?" the Moderator pressed on.

"Don't know about these other guys," our German Shepherd offered, "but I never had the chance to pitch woo and get romantic. I was slow to come around to that kind of thinking. But to tell you the truth, I think getting neutered saved me a lot of grief and frustration."

"How's that?" probed the Moderator.

"Heck," replied our German Shepherd dog, "first you got to buy her a good dinner, whisper sweet nothings, make promises you KNOW you ain't gonna keep, and then after it's over--and until then, you're stuck together for anywhere from half an hour to an eternity--you have to send flowers and a card. Who NEEDS that kind of commitment?"

"Tell it how it is!" the younger dogs shouted, all stomping their paws on the table in agreement.

"I never had to mess with that," continued the German Shepherd, "so now my time is COMPLETELY my own and I know I can't get slapped with any palimony or paternity suits. As far as I'm concerned, it's probably the best thing that's happened to me so far."

"OK," said the Moderator, "so what about the health benefits?"

"Oh, that's easy," said a Golden Retriever. "My doc said this probably added three to five years to my life. It keeps me a whole lot calmer--especially when I get a whiff of a young good looking hunk of fur walking by my fence. That CAN'T be good for your blood pressure, you know. Plus, I'll never get an ulcer from romantic anxiety."

"PLUS," remarked a Standard Poodle, "get it done early and my doc says it can help prevent a whole slew of other problems down the road."

"All right," said the Moderator, "let's shift gears a little bit and talk about Neuticles."

"What in tarnation are Neuticles?" our Doberman asked.

"Fake pride(s)," answered the Poodle. "I hear they come in all sizes, shapes and colors. I haven't seen the '98 models yet, but I understand they haven't changed all that much. Besides, they just slip them in where the real ones went--so who cares what they look like?"

"Is that right?" asked the Golden Retriever.

"Pretty much," replied the Moderator. "How do y'all feel about that?"

"What's the point?" exclaimed the Doberman. "Sure, put some fake things back 'there' where the REAL ones used to be, and just my luck I'll be on a long 'sit' or 'down' on a hot sidewalk and those blamed things will conduct more heat than the Space Shuttle upon re-entry to the Earth's atmosphere!"

"Oooooh," all the dogs shuddered.

"But they're supposed to make you look like a whole dog," argued the Moderator.

"Yeah, right," argued our German Shepherd. "Shoot, man, I got so much hair'back there' that nobody could tell whether I 'got a pair' or not. If they REALLY want to know whether I 'got a pair,' just let 'em try coming over my fence sometime. I'll SHOW them what I got."

"Hee hee hee, ha ha ha!" all the dogs snickered.

"Hey! I feel like I'm ten pounds lighter," offered the 195 pound St. Bernard. "Why would I want to put on more weight that nobody could see? Why to fill up my space 'back there,' those things would have to be the size of baseballs! Ever try running full speed with a sack full of baseballs hanging around YOUR rear end?"

"Uh, not exactly," said the Moderator, who was beginning to sweat and feel mighty uncomfortable. This wasn't going the way the thought it would.

"Well, I ain't got NO hair to cover me up 'back there' and I don't care," growled the Doberman. "But if anybody wants to make fun of THAT, just let them!"

"It'd just remind me of what I lost," mused the Golden Retriever.

"So, y'all ain't in favor of Neuticles?" asked the Moderator, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

"NO WAY!!!" all the dogs howled in unison.

"Hey," said the Poodle, "I think it's the humans that are more concerned about that stuff than we are."

So the Moderator gave each dog a package of treats, paid them and dismissed them as he sat down to right his report.

"In conclusion," he wrote, "the dogs we interviewed recognized the health benefits of neutering, but did not see any value in replacing the real thing with something fake simply to keep the owner's ego intact. Their suggestion was that if the owner was so keen on such products, let THEM try 'em first."

This wonderful piece of satire was written by Jeff Kinman . He graciously consented to have us share it with you.

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