I will not eat the cat's food, before or after they eat it.

I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.

The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible. (as is the tv's remote control)

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.

I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage. (don't ya hate that??? especially when you have company? Worse is when it's your daughter's friends! YUK!)

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not eat other animals poop.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will not roll my head around in other animals poop.

"Ferret food or Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks (or hats, shirts, garbage..)and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my humans toothbrush (hairbrush, hair clips, etc.) and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my humans will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. (nor will I stand full weight on the auto 'up' button on the arm rest when my head is out so my mommy cannot get the window down! I almost hung myself the last time!)

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's drivers license and car registration.

I will not play tug-o-war with Dads underwear when he's on the toilet.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

Most of the content of these humour pages comes from numerous sources, too many to list and most not verifyable in terms of origin, author or copyright. It is not our intent to infringe on anyone's copyright and if it is done, it is done unknowingly and we would be happy to remove the offending content. Just

Humour pages last updated February 16th, 2010

Web Pages Created by Pieter Klapwijk.
© Pieter Klapwijk 1997-2008
Do not duplicate without permission.