Basic Rules for Dogs
Who Have a Yard to Protect

by Gary Bogue, Columnist for The San Ramon Valley Times
  1. Newspapers: If you have to go pee while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed on the driveway every morning just for that purpose. (mine gets thrown outside the gate, so it's the neighbors' dogs that *anoint* mine with "yellow dew" before sunup)
  2. Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly, & leap playfully on this person. If your human falls down on the floor & starts crying, lick his/her face & growl gently to show your concern.
  3. Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans always prefer clean tongues. (be sure to wipe your mouth on their skirts/slacks and get the water off--that's what they wear all that material for)
  4. Barking: Because we are dogs, we are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for humans than to keep waking up in the middle of the night & hearing their protective dog barking and barking and . . .
  5. Holes: There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard & upsetting your humans, dig a lot of small holes all over the yard so they won't notice. (wanna bet!?)
  6. Doors: The area immediately in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep on. Wag your tail so it makes tolerant, thumping sounds on the floor every time you are stepped on.
  7. Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
  8. Dining: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up food when it starts to accumulate on the floor. This is also a good time to practice your sniffing.
  9. Housebreaking: This is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
  10. Walks: When out for a walk with you master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Always pick the nosy neighbor's yard. (Tut, tut--that's why we have so many restrictions and anti-dog laws!)
  11. Couches: It is permissible to sleep on the new couch after your humans have gone to bed.
  12. Cats: When chasing cats, never catch them. It spoils all the fun.

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Humour pages last updated February 16th, 2010

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